my daddy has gone...@@

my dad has gone..
gone....

where is my lovely and respectable daddy?
where is his?
is he still there?
will he be back one day?

i cant even find any shadows of the past right now..
in him..
i just have a strange feeling..
just like stranger..
he is close, but still far...

a mixed feeling grunching in my brain and heart..

i hate him now..
but..i still care for him...
someone says "blood is thicker than water"
just like our ties-dad n daughter..
it will never change until the end of our life..

why is the person beside me now is somehow annoying?
is he still a guy?
is that he still a leader of the family?
is he still the family supporter?

i hate him...
for his irresponsible..

from the day i made decision to study overseas at indonesia...
the feeling of hate starts growing from day to day..
he din`t even pay any cents for my study fees
all of my fees, i get it from mum`s EPF and also borrow from cousin

he din`t even give me any money to be spend in indonesia..
my living expenses..
my hostel payment..
all of tat i get it from mum...
how pity my mum is...

she..
she can be considered as a disabled person..
she has difficulty in walking..
she ady up to almost 55 age now..
but she still hv to work hard..
for me and my sister..

my heart is bleeding..heavily..
the day i left to indonesia..
the day i get to know that..
she plan to extend her working hours from half day to whole day..
in order to support this family..
my heart is bleeding...
my tears is rolling down..

where is the main supporter of family?
where is my dad?
why...
why..
he is working..
he is too holding salary..
but he din`t give any cents to mum?
he din`t give any cents for me and my sis for some expenses?
why....
he is such a irresponsible person?
is he still a guy?

i m wondering..........@@

both of my parents almost up to 55 years old..
i know...
is pity for them that they still have to work hard in such old..
they should have relax and enjoy their life now..
if...i ady grows up..
if..i m older...
if..i am in a old tat i get to work now..

but...
i have tried my best..
tats why i made my decision to study at indonesia..
tats why i determined to study abroad although i know tat there is lots of hardship i hv to go through..
i hv to face loneliness, the feeling of missing home..
i wanna be success..
this is the only ways..i have a guarantee future..
this is because..
there is no worries that i cant get job when i graduate..
thats why..
i choose to study pharmacy..
although it is not the field i like..
although i have no any interest..

but ...
i can still keep on with this decision..
for my own future and for my family..

Studying pharmacy is not cheap..
but it gives a guarantee future..
just like a person who studies doctor will never afraid that they cant get job..
thats why..
i am determined..
in studying pharmacy course..
although i can choose some other courses which is cheaper and affordable by my family..
but it is useless if i get to graduate but unemployment..
i can choose to be a doctor..
to take medicine course..
i have the ability..
but it costs really too lots...
thus..pharmacy is the only choice...

studying at indonesia..
i din`t even get any call from dad...
he is just act like dissapearing from my life..
he din`t even get any news of mine from mum or sis..

i am in cloud nine the 1st time he asks sis to call me..
the 1st time..
before hari raya..
before i back to malaysia..
as he wanna talk to me..
and what he tells is that he has emergency..
i am just like idiot..
his call..
he din`t even concern about me..
he din`t even ask about my life and my studies at indonesia..
just he wants me to help to buy some wine at the duty free shop at the airport when i back malaysia..
dissapointing...really...

For real,
i get to help him to buy the wine..
but..
i did not...
i told him for the reason i do not have any RM in my pocket..
all is Rupiah..
is true..
but..although i get to borrow RM from friend..
but..i did not do so..
is somehow dissapointing..
as wine is much more important than his daughter..
huh...sucks...

i hate him..

but...
on 27 October..
i still call back...
to him..
to wish "Happy Birthday, daddy"
i know..
i care him..still care about him..
i know..
i love him..still in love with him..

i m going back soon..on 9th january..
he chats with me again..today..
sucks....
all about wine again...
is super hyper dissapointing...

why?
why am i acting like a idiot..
still hoping that he will cares and concerns about me..?
wine.....i hate!

tears rolling down...
i hate him..
but ..
he is still my dad..

can i ever get back my dad who is respectable and responsible?
can i ever get back my caring daddy?

or..
i should face the truth..
he is like that...
from the past till now..
just then..
i am too dumb..
as i discover that so lately..

i wish that i could graduate with flying colours..
i will try my best in studies..
i wish that i could be success..
i will try my best to give them a comfortable life..
i wish i could buy a house, a house that belongs to our family..
not like now...
have to stay with uncle and auntie..at their house..
i wish i could buy a car, a car that belongs to our family..
at least we get to go for trip or shopping during weekends..
no need to borrow car from others anymore..
i wish i could achive all of this before it is too late-before my mum leave the world
i know....she is old..
she already old..
i know she does not have much time....

god..
just bless me...
it is useless for me to graduate and success..
without my mum besides me..
bless me..
that my daddy could change..
dun let him to hurt mummy anymore...
bless me...